by Megan Angelo
Bravo is responsible for a good portion of the brain-meltery and the happiness in my life. The two must peacefully coexist. It’s just the way it has to be. And the dial shall be turned up about 3,000 percent on both fronts in the coming months, because the network is about to roll out its biggest programming increase ever. We’re talking 17 new shows. SEVENTEEN. That’s crazy! Crazier than Brad Goreski and GG from Shahs together in one photo!
Let us begin.
The pitch: “The upstairs and downstairs worlds collide when this young and single crew, known as ‘yachties,’ live, love, and work together on board a privately owned extravagant yacht. Working and tending to the ever-changing needs of their demanding charter guests is not always smooth sailing.”
Snap-judgment: Downton Abbey + Road Rules: Semester at Sea = yes, please.
The pitch: “The series follows a group of single, up-and-coming movers and shakers in New York’s elite circles of real estate, fashion, and media. These ladies are aggressive in their pursuit of personal and career goals, but in this cutthroat world where egos are high and the drive to succeed is even higher, success can come at a steep cost.”
Snap-judgment: Could be good if these women capture the Whitney-and-LC vibe we miss in our lives. But we’ll have to get through a pilot lousy with “these women are like my sisters/you choose your friends and they become your sisters/in the city you NEED YOUR SISTERS” soundbites.
Courtney Loves Dallas
The pitch:“Breakout star Courtney Kerr of Most Eligible Dallas navigates the lively Texas social scene with her group of sassy, dynamic friends. She’s out to rope herself the perfect Southern gentleman while trying to make a name for herself in the fashion industry, but Courtney quickly finds that taking the bull by the horn isn’t as easy as it may sound.”
Snap-judgment: Bulls have two horns. That’s the first thing I want to point out. I know what “sassy, dynamic friends” means too: Four oft-drunk loudmouths who will be racing to beat each other to the next spin-off. <—This is not a complaint, by the way.
The pitch:“When couples go from ‘I do’ to ‘I don’t,’ Vikki Ziegler is who they call to mediate, advise, and divide their assets out of court. Why let a judge decide your fate when the Divorce Diva can cut through all the drama to determine who will get what?”
Snap-judgment: Turns out the next take on Millionaire Matchmaker won’t be, as I predicted aloud in my living room some weeks back, a show entirely about Patti setting up YGCM (young gay chef millionaires—her term, not mine). It’ll be, simply, the opposite-day version. Interesting.
Eat, Drink, Love
The pitch: “Single, successful, beautiful and connected to the restaurant and food industry in Los Angeles, these ladies take on the traditionally male-dominated industry in their own way as they juggle a world where business always mixes with pleasure.”
Snap-judgment: This show is going to make you hungry.
Extreme Guide to Parenting
The pitch:“From spoiling and severe punishments to helicopter and New Age methods, this is parenting at its most extreme. Each episode gives a candid look at two different households with very unique styles of raising their children—and each family strongly believes their methods are superior.”
Snap-judgment: This show is going to give you a fury-migraine.
The pitch:“This topical, fashion-based talk show features two of Atlanta’s style elite, celebrity hairstylists Derek J and Miss Lawrence, and New York’s fashion maven and media socialite Bevy Smith. The trendy opinionated trio will cover anything and everything related to the world of fashion and beauty, from haute couture to celebrity style to unusual outfits from around the globe, giving their unique perspective on the trends, hits and misses.”
Snap-judgment: The show will be good, but the supercut of the stars’ astonished/horrified fashion facial expressions will be better.
The Kandi Factory
The pitch: “Grammy Award winner and multi-platinum songwriter Kandi Burruss of The Real Housewives of Atlanta helps 16 aspiring artists jump-start their dreams of stardom. Burruss gives two proteges with no industry experience the opportunity of a lifetime—a shot at an original song release and music video produced by The Kandi Factory.”
Snap-judgment: The whole single-release-and-music-video as a prize kinda seems like the definition of low-stakes to me. So I’m keeping expectations managed on this one, unless NeNe will be dropping by to judge the contestants. Not even on their music. Just them.
Newlyweds: The First Year
The pitch: “From the moment they say ‘I do’ to their one-year anniversary, for the first time ever we see up close, the first year of marriage in Newlyweds: The First Year. This groundbreaking series follows four diverse couples coast-to-coast experiencing the daily trials and tribulations of their first 365 days of marriage captured by Emmy Award-winning and Oscar-nominated documentarian Lauren Lazin.
Snap-judgment: They’re tossing around those Emmy and Oscar accolades in an attempt to convince me this might be worthwhile, but the truth is I rarely need a fancy excuse to watch couples fight. I’m in.
The pitch: “The world’s most exclusive, expensive houses are throwing open their doors to a panel of passionate property experts in this new panel talk show that explores the world of luxury real estate, cutting-edge home technology and trendsetting decor. Every week, our property- and design-obsessed host and esteemed panelists will present the homes that give them Property Envy.”
Snap-judgment: YES. Although it’s weird that you guys don’t have a host yet. Pick someone who won’t be annoying or block our view of the infinity pools.
The pitch: “The notoriously closed society of Charleston, South Carolina unlocks the gates of their centuries-old plantation homes for a real-life look at how modern-day Southern aristocracy lives. Get charmed by the social scene which is bound by tradition and ostentation unlike any other culture in America, through a group of the city’s most charismatic gentlemen and their Southern belle equals.”
Snap-judgment: “Closed society” really does sound charming and just how I’d want a show about my city sold if I was a progressive Charleston dweller! Think I might stick to the Dallas crowd.
The pitch:“Atlanta just got even hotter as this group of ambitious young go-getters on the cusp of realizing their dreams work hard, but play even harder. They are shaking up the city’s fashion, music, hospitality and real estate scenes.”
Snap-judgment: Both the title and description of this show are copied-and-pasted directly from the “boilerplate text” Word doc that lives on the Bravo server. So let’s hope the cast outdoes the marketing.
Thicker Than Water: The Tankards
The pitch: “This docu-series follows former professional basketball player turned popular gospel singer/recording artist and minister Ben Tankard, his blended family and their journey in expanding the family fortune. From music-producing to NBA life coaching and motivational speaking, this business-oriented family strives to keep on top of their game, but finds their true passion lies in ministry.”
Snap-judgment: Tell us about people other than Ben, Bravo! On the other hand, I am a sucker for people turned other things.
Two Fit Girls
The pitch: “It’s crunch time for best friends and business partners Katrina and Karena, the fearless duo behind Toneitup.com. While some entrepreneurs have a business plan, these girls use their ‘street smarts, not book smarts’ to push themselves and their brand to wild extremes.”
Snap-judgment: Street smarts instead of a business plan! What could possibly go wrong?
Ladies of London
The pitch: Set in the glittering, class-conscious city of London, this new series follows a group of elite British socialites and American expats enjoying the upper crust of the high society world. And while these Brits and Americans all live in the same city, have been married to rock stars, dated royalty, are darlings of the paparazzi and enjoy wealth beyond belief, they are still culturally, worlds apart.
Snap-judgment: Right, because some of them have 10,000-square-foot apartments and others have 10,000 square foot flats. I’ll reserve judgment on this one, but seriously, between this and Charleston we’ve got to work on finding some friendlier synonyms for “class-conscious” and “closed society.” I feel like a dirty-faced orphan from Les Mis just reading this stuff.
Princesses: Long Island
The pitch: “Meet members of the ‘boomerang generation’—six young women from Great Neck, Long Island who return to their pampered lifestyles in the comfort of their parents’ estates and at the expense of their fathers’ bank accounts. This new docu-series offers a window into their unique family dynamics and personal lives filled with labels, luxury, and love trials.”
Snap-judgment: Long Island has been pissed at Jersey Shore for stealing its swag for years. Now it’s THEIR turn to wear their sneakers in bed.
100 Days of Summer
The pitch: “This young, successful Chicago It crowd are working the boardrooms and the bedrooms, eager to make a name for themselves, find love and succeed at any price. With a social circle made up of best friends, former lovers, and current lusts, things are bound to get interesting.”
Snap-judgment: Things are bound to get interesting—if the show makes sure everyone is cast as a real-life knockoff of someone from My Boys. Trust me on this one, Bravo. I know of what I speak.
Which do you think sound good, bad, and ugly? One thing’s for sure: Watch What Happens Live’s booking schedule is about to get cray.